33 Important Rules for Bands Log Out | Topics | Search
Moderators | Register | Edit Profile

Alembic Club » Miscellaneous » Archive through July 11, 2010 » 33 Important Rules for Bands « Previous Next »

Author Message
Senior Member
Username: cozmik_cowboy

Post Number: 727
Registered: 10-2006
Posted on Friday, June 04, 2010 - 1:35 pm:   Edit Post

This has going around the net for awhile, but it's always good for a reminder....

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for.

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."

6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to break up.

7. When you talk on stage, you're never as funny as you think.

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music
("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract
ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and a "guaranteed three-record deal."

12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and you asked
to be let go.

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,
begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

16. Never enter a Battle of the Bands contest.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," "white rapper,"
"blues jam," "swing band," "open mike," etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Break it to your parents: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop
coming to your shows.

20. It's not a "showcase." It's a gig that doesn't pay.

21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

22. Don't hire a publicist.

23. Playing in Akron, Ohio doesn't mean that you're on tour.

24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.

25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all
sound the same. It's not necessary to keep changing them between songs.

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends are for.

27. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and
one you made with the iMac your Mom got for Christmas.

29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play

30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where, when,
or how it will turn up.

31. Don't wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

32. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "blues genius," "$500
guarantee," and "Fastfall's second hit."

33. Three things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands, and playing slide
guitar with a beer bottle.

Username: rjmsteel

Post Number: 69
Registered: 7-2008
Posted on Friday, June 04, 2010 - 3:12 pm:   Edit Post

Thank You, Peter:

btw never have done #16.

On #20 I believe its you PAY to play, at least thats my experience. -Rich
Senior Member
Username: hb3

Post Number: 485
Registered: 2-2005
Posted on Friday, June 04, 2010 - 4:12 pm:   Edit Post

1, 2, 16, yes.

But "gongs and headbands" are never coming back? Bite your tongue!
Username: keith_h

Post Number: 1626
Registered: 2-2005
Posted on Friday, June 04, 2010 - 4:39 pm:   Edit Post

If you don't use a beer bottle as a slide how will your girlfriend know it's time to bring you another beer?

Senior Member
Username: terryc

Post Number: 1224
Registered: 11-2004
Posted on Friday, June 04, 2010 - 6:27 pm:   Edit Post

No. 24 sorry that's UK #24..cover bands..what's wrong with cover bands..who want to listen to some unknown song on a Saturday night when you are out drinking??
Advanced Member
Username: benson_murrensun

Post Number: 284
Registered: 5-2007
Posted on Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 4:15 pm:   Edit Post

So I started this trio with a married couple, one of whom was the manager. We got a record deal after opening for ________ and __________, but the manager insisted we use a string section in order for us to sound more important. The string section had more than four bass players, two of whom used to make small talk on stage, which, we were told, made us sound like one of those other bands, which we had never listened to. The record contract gave us lots of artistic freedom and guaranteed us three records but after recoupable expenses (one of which was the string section) we realized it sucked and then they dropped us.
(I could go on, but why?)

Topics | Last Day | Last Week | Tree View | Search | Help/Instructions | Program Credits Administration