| Author |
Message |
Paul Ellsworth (elzie)
New
Username: elzie
Post Number: 2
Registered: 8-2002
| | Posted on Friday, August 23, 2002 - 6:37 pm: |  |
A man named Carl had worked very hard and decided to take a cruise to a very exotic and remote island.
After two days sail, the ship finally anchored a distance from the island destination. Carl heard a noise in the distance, "boom boom bam boom".
He then asked the cruise director, "what is that noise?", to which the director answered, " Oh, don't worry about that."
So now Carl gets on the transport boat and as he gets closer to the island, the noise gets louder. A little shaken, Carl asks the boat's operator what the noise was. He got the same response, "Don't worry about that noise."
So now Carl is in his room resting when the noise starts again, only louder, "BOOM BOOM BAM BAM BOOM BOOM".
So Carl jumps up off the bed, runs outside and grabs one of the natives. As he is shaking the native he asks, "What is that noise?!"
To which the native replies:
"Ooooh, that noise is drum solo. You hope that noise no stop"
Carl asked why. The native answered:
"After drum solo come bass solo"
Yes, I heard it from a drummer.
 |
Charles "David" Tichenor (alembic76407)
Member
Username: alembic76407
Post Number: 56
Registered: 5-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, August 24, 2002 - 2:27 pm: | |
What do you call someone that hangs around musicians???????????
A DRUMMER !!!!! |
Paul Ellsworth (elzie)
New
Username: elzie
Post Number: 3
Registered: 8-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, August 24, 2002 - 5:48 pm: | |
LOL! Oh yeah! A drummer bashing post ;) |
Paul Lindemans (palembic)
Junior
Username: palembic
Post Number: 18
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 9:31 am: | |
I heard the "drumsolo"joke from ...Mark King! He told it once on a TV-documentary!
Now...how about this one?
Question: Do you know how to make a bass player playing less loudly???
Answer: Just give him a piece of sheet music!
HA!
Paul
|
Jonathan Johnstone (stoney)
Member
Username: stoney
Post Number: 53
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 10:01 am: | |
Definition of perfect pitch: When you throw your Warwick out the window into the dumpster....and it lands right on top of the Fender Precision Bass. |
Charles "David" Tichenor (alembic76407)
Member
Username: alembic76407
Post Number: 60
Registered: 5-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 10:31 am: | |
Whats the differance between a banjo and an onion
Answer: nobody cries when you chop up a banjo |
James L. Martin (malthumb)
Junior
Username: malthumb
Post Number: 21
Registered: 5-2002
| | Posted on Friday, September 20, 2002 - 7:30 pm: | |
Another one I've been hearing lately:
Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One...Five...One...Five...One...Five... |
Reid Raymond (rraymond)
Junior
Username: rraymond
Post Number: 16
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, September 21, 2002 - 1:39 pm: | |
Q: What's the difference between a jazz musician and a 14 inch pizza?
A: A 14 inch pizza can feed a family of four. |
Paul Lindemans (palembic)
Intermediate Member
Username: palembic
Post Number: 125
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 5:30 am: | |
About Alembics.
This story comes from the time I had an MK signature Standard body with a "point" and my SII 5 string with the omega cut-out.
A painoplayer I played with occasionally looked at the two guitars and asked: "Hey Paul...why does the one has a point and the other a hole underneat?"
My answer:
"The one is male, the other female!"
HA!
Paul
PS: BUT my dear friends let's continue the fantasy.
So Ron and Susan were not starting building those beautiful instruments say 30 years ago.
No-no... in fact they discovered the way to BREED them.
So ...when everybody's at home, when the Alembic premises at Santa Rosa are quiet and dark I guess there is a whole lotta fun in the shop. After some months of care by the Alembicians the basses are grown to be shipped. Now you know why it takes so long to get one.
HA2
Now you ask: "What's the story about the non-bass guitars?"
Well, there's a story about that joyful bass "makin' whoopee" in another department. After some periode of embarrasment Ron an Susan accepted also that baby.
HA3 |
Bob Bell (kipknee)
New
Username: kipknee
Post Number: 8
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 8:29 am: | |
Jokes I've heard...
How do you get a guitar player to turn down? Put sheet music in front of him.
How do you get a keyboardist to turn down? Take his sheet music away from him.
How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.
What do you call guys that hang around with musicians? Drummers.
How do you get two guitarists to play in time? Shoot one of them.
How do you know there is a vocalist at your door? They can't find their key and they don't know when to come in.
What's the definition of an optimist? A trombone player with a pager.
I was coming up on a night club and spotted a guy just spanking the tar out of a kid on the front step. I stopped and asked him what he was doing. The guy explained, "I'm the bass player in the band that's playing here. This kid snuck up on stage and gave one of my tuning pegs a big twist!"
"That doesn't sound so bad," I said. "Why are you beating up on him?"
"Well," the guy replied without slowing his spanking. "He won't tell me which one!"
A boy comes home with a brand new bass guitar under his arm and asks his father to teach him how to play. The father sits him down and says "if you want to play bass, you will need to learn the fundamentals of this instrument." He points to the fattest string. "That's the E string. Just pluck it with your fingers and play that note over and over again until you feel comfortable with it." The boy retires to his bedroom and practices what he's been taught.
The next day, the boy comes home and the father gives his next lesson. He points to the next string and says "That's the A string. Pluck it with your fingers over and over again until you feel comfortable with it." The boy again retreats to practice.
The third day, the boy comes home and the father gives him another lesson. He points to the next string and says "That's the D string. Play it over and over again until you feel comfortable with it." The boy again disappears to work on this lesson.
The fourth day, the boy comes in and the father asks? "Are you ready for your next lesson, son?" The boy replies "Can't tonight Dad, I've got a gig!"
One guitarist was watching another guitarist restring his guitar. For some reason, it was taking him forever to put the new strings on. He would open up a new string package and then, swearing loudly, throw it in the trash. Finally, the first guitarist's curiosity got the best of him and he walked up and asked the second guitarist what the problem was.
"Stupid strings!" the second guitarist exclaimed. "A whole bunch of 'em have the ball on the wrong end of the string!"
"Idiot!" said the first guitarist. "Those are for left-handed guitars!"
And of course, an oldie but a goodie: If you threw a violin and a viola off a cliff, which would hit the ground first? Who cares!
That's all I can remember now. |
Derwin Moss (bassdude63)
Junior
Username: bassdude63
Post Number: 24
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 8:46 pm: | |
How many Guitarists does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Four...
One to replace the bulb while the other three comment that they could do it better |
Michael DeVincenzo (jlpicard)
Member
Username: jlpicard
Post Number: 51
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 10:10 pm: | |
What's the difference between an onion and and an accordian?...... Nobody cries when you cut up an accordian! |
Jazzy Vee (jazzyvee)
Junior
Username: jazzyvee
Post Number: 13
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 11:19 am: | |
Q:Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only need to punch the instructions into the drum machine ONCE...!!!! |
Dino Monoxelos (dean_m)
Junior
Username: dean_m
Post Number: 29
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 2:28 pm: | |
Q: What's the range of a six string fretless bass??
A: About twenty yards if you've got a good arm |
James L. Martin (malthumb)
Junior
Username: malthumb
Post Number: 33
Registered: 5-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 5:08 pm: | |
Hear the one about the guitarist who locked the keys in the band's van? Took him a half hour to get the drummer out. |
Joe Schwartz (the_schwartz)
Junior
Username: the_schwartz
Post Number: 15
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 10:59 am: | |
The gig is going well. The band is unbelievably in a groove and in the back of the club can be seen a record company scout.
The singer thinks: "Yes, this is my big break. I'm going to be rich and can support my designer drug habit."
The guitar player thinks: "Yes, we're going to make it. The girls will all love me and I can finally get that '59 Les Paul."
The drummer thinks: "Yes, This is it, I can finally buy all the gear I want."
The bass player thinks: "1--1--5--1--4--5--1--5--1" |
Charles "David" Tichenor (alembic76407)
Member
Username: alembic76407
Post Number: 94
Registered: 5-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 2:41 pm: | |
joe, this is a room full of bass players, and sometimes the truth hurts, but I thought it was funny !!!!!!! |
John Stefancik (jet_powers)
New
Username: jet_powers
Post Number: 4
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 12, 2003 - 1:35 pm: | |
How can you tell a trombone player's kid at the playground?
He can slide real well but can't swing for shit. |
Joe Schwartz (the_schwartz)
Junior
Username: the_schwartz
Post Number: 18
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, March 16, 2003 - 8:52 pm: | |
Many of us have probably committed at least one of these:
BASS PLAYER OFFENSES
NAME OF OFFENDER: ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE: _____________________________
MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:
[ ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
UPRIGHT PLAYERS
[ ] Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ] Playing audibly $25
[ ] Faking changes $25
[ ] Slapping $150
[ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ] Excessive sweating $25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ] Taking second chorus $100
[ ] Playing solo arco $400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500
ELECTRIC PLAYERS
[ ] Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ] Playing with a pick $50
[ ] Tuning during ballad $30
[ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ] Long gliss down to final note $200
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ] Forgetting strap $10
[ ] Changing strings after every set $15
[ ] Using electric tuner $15
[ ] Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass $150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass $500
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ] Practicing scales during break $25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ] Practicing $150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10
BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's $100 |
Paul Lindemans (palembic)
Advanced Member
Username: palembic
Post Number: 320
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 3:26 am: | |
Shit ... I lost a fortune in this game! |
Mike Addyman Sr. (dadabass2001)
Junior
Username: dadabass2001
Post Number: 32
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 5:13 am: | |
Alright! So where can I get a Buddy Rich tour T-shirt (besides off of Buddys next of kin)? And where are we?
I'm with Paul in the losses column. |