| Author | Message | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 6283 Registered: 7-2004 |
There is a news report about a woman who was convicted of killing her guitar collector husband by hitting him with a guitar. At her sentencing, the judge inquired "first offender?" To which the defendant replied "no, first a Gibson, then a Fender". Rim shot Bill, tgo | ||
| bigredbass
Senior Member Username: bigredbass Post Number: 2491 Registered: 9-2002 |
See? I knew it was a cheesy advertising slogan, "Only a Gibson is Good Enough" . . . . Joey | ||
| jazzyvee
Senior Member Username: jazzyvee Post Number: 4762 Registered: 6-2002 |
That story would have been 'Epic' if she'd used an alembic :-O | ||
| edwardofhuncote
Senior Member Username: edwardofhuncote Post Number: 663 Registered: 6-2014 |
I seriously did repair a Gibson Granada (top of the line, gold-plated deluxe model) banjo once, that was a victim of domestic violence... it's headstock was snapped off, the neck broken at the heel, and the flange busted. I still can't think about the resonator without wincing. Story we got was it had been heaved down a flight of stairs. Somebody went to Emergency, somebody else went to Jail. (but there were no fatalities) =) (Message edited by edwardofhuncote on November 06, 2015) | ||
| terryc
Senior Member Username: terryc Post Number: 2442 Registered: 11-2004 |
Women always complain about how many guitar/basses we own ! "You can't play them all at once" Reply from man "You can't wear all those shoes, or those dresses and outfits and you can't take all those handbags out with you either" Checkmate !!!! | ||
| terryc
Senior Member Username: terryc Post Number: 2443 Registered: 11-2004 |
Women always complain about how many guitar/basses we own ! "You can't play them all at once" Reply from man "You can't wear all those shoes, or those dresses and outfits and you can't take all those handbags out with you either" Checkmate !!!! | ||
| sonicus
Senior Member Username: sonicus Post Number: 4574 Registered: 5-2009 |
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| ed_zeppelin
Intermediate Member Username: ed_zeppelin Post Number: 182 Registered: 2-2010 |
In case your neck hairs didn't stand on end at the mental image of a Gibson Granada banjo cartwheeling down a stairwell, to put it in perspective: Earl Scruggs played this one for his whole career: http://www.earnestbanjo.com/gibson_banjo_RB-granada_mastertone_9584-3.html "... In the world of prewar Gibson banjos, there is no model more legendary than the original five-string Granada with one-piece flange and flathead tone ring. Fewer than twenty of these banjos were produced, making them many times rarer than Martin's famed prewar D-45 guitars. ..." "Foggy Mountain Breakdown," "the Beverly Hillbillies Theme" and "Will The Circle Be Unbroken" were all recorded with that banjo. It formerly belonged to Don Reno, which in the bluegrass world would be the equivalent of a Strat that Clapton recorded every song on, that used to belong to Jimi Hendrix. Oh, what the hell. I'm just throwing this weird 1915 Knutsen harp-mandolin out there because it was something I ran across while trying to find Earl's Granada, and some instinct tells me this is a pre-derailed thread anyway (my favorite kind  )  The story: http://www.vintageinstruments.com/mandolins.html It's the baby brother of Michael Hedge's 1915 Knutsen harp-guitar:  Hum-canceling headgear optional. | ||
| edwardofhuncote
Senior Member Username: edwardofhuncote Post Number: 665 Registered: 6-2014 |
Just to clarify - the one I fixed was a 1990's reissue and not an original pre-war Granada. It was however an extremely fine example of Gibson's best recent work. One little brag here, related to a short exchange we had the other day about luthiers and repair guys... this banjo changed hands a few years ago. The young man whose bride had flung his banjo down the stairs fell on hard times (what with lawyers' retaining fees and all) and sold it. Years past, and it resurfaced in another town, and someone else I know bought it by chance. My old repair and touch-up was so invisible that he was totally unaware of the grave misfortune of his banjo's past. And I gotta say he was also a little pistoff when I told him about it. I'm probably a little too proud of that. | ||
| ed_zeppelin
Intermediate Member Username: ed_zeppelin Post Number: 183 Registered: 2-2010 |
How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? One! Five! One! Five! One! Five ... | ||
| gtrguy
Senior Member Username: gtrguy Post Number: 947 Registered: 9-2004 |
How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but to screw it in they have to stand still while the rest of the world revolves around them | ||
| edwardofhuncote
Senior Member Username: edwardofhuncote Post Number: 666 Registered: 6-2014 |
For the record, it takes 6 banjo players... only one to screw the new bulb in, but 5 more to gripe about how "that's not how Earl did it." :ducking for cover: | ||
| cozmik_cowboy
Senior Member Username: cozmik_cowboy Post Number: 1968 Registered: 10-2006 |
How mwny bluegrassers does it take to change a light bulb? 5 - 1 to change the bulb & 4 to complain it's not real because it's electric. How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in Volkswagons. Peter | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 6285 Registered: 7-2004 |
How many luthiers to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes six months. And the all-time best: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Don't worry, I'll sit in the dark. Bill, (who was circumcised and Bar Mitvahed) tgo | ||
| gtrguy
Senior Member Username: gtrguy Post Number: 948 Registered: 9-2004 |
Grumpy cat knows all  | ||
| slawie
Senior Member Username: slawie Post Number: 834 Registered: 8-2002 |
The whole thing. So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar. | ||
| sonicus
Senior Member Username: sonicus Post Number: 4576 Registered: 5-2009 |
Slawie , That was really a fun read ! Thanks . Wolf | ||
| edwin
Senior Member Username: edwin Post Number: 2133 Registered: 5-2002 |
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. No one ever noticed. | ||
| pauldo
Senior Member Username: pauldo Post Number: 1566 Registered: 6-2006 |
Funny thread! :-D How many guitarist to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 to stand around and say; "I could have done it better." | ||
| hieronymous
Senior Member Username: hieronymous Post Number: 1598 Registered: 1-2005 |
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? Took him an hour to get the drummer out! | ||
| terryc
Senior Member Username: terryc Post Number: 2444 Registered: 11-2004 |
Three musicians all end up at the pearly gates at the same time, before they enter St peter asks them to answer a question. He says to the first one "What is your IQ" He replies "180" St Peter asked what did he do in his earthly life? he replies "I was Head Tutor at the Berlin Conservetoire, Principal Conductor for the Berlin Philharmonic and Advisor to the Music School of Munich" He is accepted into heaven. He asks the second an the same question He replies "120" he is asked what did he do "I was Senior Lecturer in musical theory at the Royal School of Music in London, Senior Conductor for the London Symphonic Orchestra and 2nd conductor for the Birmingham Chamber Orchestra" He is also accepted. He finally asks the third man the same question. He replies "60" St Peter asks him "What sticks do you use?" DOOOH! | ||
| ed_zeppelin
Intermediate Member Username: ed_zeppelin Post Number: 184 Registered: 2-2010 |
I admit, it's a little strange to have a preamble to a joke, but this was my brother's favorite musician joke. He was 12 years older than me and played guitar, so naturally little brother became the bass player. We found out that bass is idiot proof, and I am both. So I took up tuba and string bass in school and learned how to read chicken scratch, but when my brother and I jammed, it was to rock 'n roll, country and Motown that we learned off records. He really loved this joke and told it all the time. The reason I'm telling you this is because he was killed by a drunk driver, but I've come to peace with it. I had no choice. Part of that process was because he was such a funny guy that I know he would want me to celebrate him. He was a smartass. And not the annoying kind (usually. He was my brother, after all.) He loved this joke because it's so true, and he always said that it didn't apply to any other instrument. Not like: "what's the difference between a large pizza and a trombonist? The pizza can feed a family of four!" could apply to saxes or flute alike, or; "what's the difference between an onion and an accordian? Nobody cries when they cut up an accordion!" could apply to bagpipes, those annoying nose-flute abominations, etc. So over the years, every time I tell it I laugh, and that's good. It's proof that time really does heal wounds. Besides, if you don't like it, blame him. It was his joke, not mine. Okay, so here it is, enjoy. How do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume? Put sheet music in front of him!" | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 6288 Registered: 7-2004 |
Definition of perfect pitch? Throwing an accordion into a trash bin, where it lands on a banjo! Bill, tgo | ||
| cozmik_cowboy
Senior Member Username: cozmik_cowboy Post Number: 1970 Registered: 10-2006 |
What's the difference between a violin & a viola? One burns longer. What's the difference between a violin & a fiddle? Who cares? Neither one's a guitar. Peter | ||
| edwardofhuncote
Senior Member Username: edwardofhuncote Post Number: 668 Registered: 6-2014 |
The *real* difference between a violin and a fiddle: violins use strings, fiddles use strangs. I wish I could find it, but I used to have a bumper sticker that said "Play an accordion - go to jail. That's the law"... it might be on my old road case... probably not worth the risky trip to the attic to find out. | ||
| jacko
Senior Member Username: jacko Post Number: 3717 Registered: 10-2002 |
One from my end of the UK. Guy goes into a bar with an octopus and says 'my octopus can play any musical instrument you can name'. so one guy points to the piano. the octopus plays some beautiful Chopin. Another guy brings out a guitar - the octopus gives a nice rendition of some Django Rheinhard. This goes on for a while with the octopus producing more and more sublime music on a variety of instruments. Eventually, jock brings out his bagpipes and hands them over to the octopus. Immediately the octopus goes into a frenzy ripping at the tartan and wrestling with the pipes. His owner shouts 'why don't you just play the things' to which the octopus replies..... 'Play them? I'm trying to get the damn knickers off!' Graeme | ||
| edwardofhuncote
Senior Member Username: edwardofhuncote Post Number: 669 Registered: 6-2014 |
Having grown up in the home of a banjo player, this classic from Gary Larson always tickled my Mom:  And surely some of you fellas knew this guy:  <sigh...> I miss The Far Side. | ||
| 811952
Senior Member Username: 811952 Post Number: 2408 Registered: 10-2003 |
My guitar wants to kill your mama.. https://youtu.be/Y0Oj-eZqpHE RIP FZ John | ||
| elwoodblue
Senior Member Username: elwoodblue Post Number: 1755 Registered: 6-2002 |
I miss the far side too. Did you see Bloom County is back (on Berke's FB)page?  | ||
| tom_z
Senior Member Username: tom_z Post Number: 638 Registered: 7-2004 |
Here's an old one, but a good one. * Let There Be Bass * In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so. | ||
| edwin
Senior Member Username: edwin Post Number: 2136 Registered: 5-2002 |
"How do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume? Put sheet music in front of him!" How do you get the keyboard player to turn down? Take the music away! | ||
| paulman
Senior Member Username: paulman Post Number: 461 Registered: 2-2005 |
Previously joked - "How do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume? Put sheet music in front of him!" Continued - "How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put notes on the sheet music!" "What does it mean when drool is coming out both sides of the Drummers mouth? The stage is level!" | ||
| fmm
Senior Member Username: fmm Post Number: 449 Registered: 6-2002 |
A man was standing in line for an orchestra concert. He turned to the person next to him and said, "Do you want to hear a joke about viola players?" The other person said, "I'll have you know I'm a viola player." The first man replied, "Don't worry, I'll tell it slowly." Why are violas bigger than violins? They're not; violinists’ heads are bigger. What do violin players use for birth control? Their personalities. |
