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Senior Member
Username: 811952

Post Number: 566
Registered: 10-2003
Posted on Friday, November 18, 2005 - 7:13 am:   Edit Post

Got this one from my younger brother this morning:

Q. What do you throw to a drowning bassist?

A. His amp.
Advanced Member
Username: serialnumber12

Post Number: 243
Registered: 12-2004
Posted on Friday, November 18, 2005 - 8:21 am:   Edit Post

Lots of other musician Jokes @//:
Username: jahnahisti

Post Number: 17
Registered: 9-2005
Posted on Friday, November 18, 2005 - 10:46 am:   Edit Post

Q - How do you confuse a bassist?

A - Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - One, but the guitarist has to show him first

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - One. Five. One. Five.

Q - Why do bands have bass players?

A - To translate for the drummer.

Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A - None, The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

Q - How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?

A - Pay for the pizza.

Q - What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of baked beans?

A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.

* A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"

"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"

only the best ones borrowed from:
Advanced Member
Username: jazzyvee

Post Number: 280
Registered: 6-2002
Posted on Friday, November 18, 2005 - 1:24 pm:   Edit Post

Lets get back at the drummers now .... :-)

Q: Whats the difference between an drummer and a drum machine?

A: you only have to punch the instructions into the drum machine once....!!!!
Intermediate Member
Username: hydrargyrum

Post Number: 167
Registered: 3-2004
Posted on Friday, November 18, 2005 - 2:57 pm:   Edit Post

These are some good jokes. Now if I can just find a bass player who can read to send them to . . .
Senior Member
Username: lbpesq

Post Number: 768
Registered: 7-2004
Posted on Friday, November 18, 2005 - 5:35 pm:   Edit Post

Q: What do you call someone who's tone deaf and likes to hang out with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Q: What do you call a guitar player who breaks up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Bill, tgo (still married with a roof over my head)
Intermediate Member
Username: byoung

Post Number: 154
Registered: 12-2004
Posted on Saturday, November 19, 2005 - 9:55 am:   Edit Post

We locked the keys in the band van, and it only took us 30 minutes to get the drummer out.

How can you tell the stage is level? The drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Username: reinier

Post Number: 23
Registered: 1-2003
Posted on Sunday, November 20, 2005 - 2:27 pm:   Edit Post

An oldy I once read in an interview with Mark King:

A group of western tourists go on a tour deep into the African jungle. After a march one day from base camp, the group for the 1st time notices the sound of African drums. They think it's all part of the arrangement and that the drums add to the "real life" character of their exclusive holiday. As they walk deeper into the jungle however, the drumming doesn't stop. Close to their first night camp, the continuous droning is still there, not loud but present to an extent that the first group members start worrying they won't get a good night's sleep. A woman walks up to their native guide and asks: "Do these drums ever stop?". The guide looks round horrified and in a conjuring voice he says: "Oooh no, the drums must never stop!".

The next morning, most of the group indeed slept lousy and during breakfast the continuous droning is the only topic. An hour or so back on the road, another group member, who's become a little less amused than on day 1, walks up to the guide to ask when the drums will stop, but gets the same answer to his question from a once again terrified guide: "Oooh no, the drums must never stop!!".

As the jungle gets tougher to walk through and the lack of sleep starts weighin' in heavy, the group gets outright irritated by the sound. Moreover, it's clear that another sleepless night will ruin their expensive trip, so amongst each other they decide to set the guide an ultimatum: either he makes the drums stop or they turn back and will ask for their money back. The spokeswoman of the 1st day walks up to the guide again and desperately brings him up to speed on the group's decision: "You must make the drums stop!! They're driving us crazy!!" The guide, even more terrified at the thought of the tourist meaning business now, can only reapeat his mantra: "Oooh no, the drums must never stop!!". Worn out by too little sleep, the long walk and the back-breaking sound of the drums, the woman cries in agony: "But WHY?!!! At least tell us WHY?!!!!

With horror in his eyes the guide replies: "When the drums stop, the bass solo begins!!!!"
Senior Member
Username: 811952

Post Number: 572
Registered: 10-2003
Posted on Sunday, November 20, 2005 - 4:50 pm:   Edit Post

Intermediate Member
Username: 88persuader

Post Number: 169
Registered: 5-2004
Posted on Sunday, November 20, 2005 - 9:32 pm:   Edit Post

Q - How do you get a bass player to play quietly?

A - Put sheet music in front of him.

Q - How do you get a bass play to stop playing?

A - Put NOTES on the sheet music.

OK one for singers -

Q - How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A - One ... they hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

OK Trombone players

Q - What does a trombone player say when he's working?

A - Do you want frys with that?

A Trombone player wants to be a band leader, he's tired of always working for someone else. So he tells his agent he doesn't want to work for other band leaders anymore, he wants to run his own band and use his own charts.

So he sits by his phone and keeps calling his agent but the agent doesn't have a gig for him. Finally the phone rings and it's his agent. He says ... OK I got you a gig, you can be the band leader and use your charts but it's a small band because the budget is small. Excited the bone players says, "what is it a small group with a horn section?" The agent says "smaller." "Is it a quartette, the agent says "Smaller." The bone player finally says ... what is it? The agent says just you and a drummer at the Holiday Inn. The bone player thinks about it and says ... OK I'll do it. The following weekend the duo is playing and the bone players looks at the drummer and says ... "Keep playing, I want to walk out and see how the band sounds." (It gets worse!) A few minutes later he comes back and says ... "sounds good but the drums are too loud!" ............ Sorry I didn't write it, just passed it along! :-)
Intermediate Member
Username: fmm

Post Number: 111
Registered: 6-2002
Posted on Tuesday, November 22, 2005 - 11:00 am:   Edit Post

I've heard that one end with "Too much bass".
Username: dibolosi

Post Number: 9
Registered: 1-2004
Posted on Tuesday, November 22, 2005 - 5:43 pm:   Edit Post

Q - what does a bass player use for birth control?

A - their personality
Senior Member
Username: kungfusheriff

Post Number: 419
Registered: 8-2003
Posted on Friday, November 25, 2005 - 12:53 pm:   Edit Post

Q--What's the difference between a lawn mower and a fretless bass?

Q--What's the difference between a soprano and a bit bull?

Q--What's the definition of "an optomist?"
A--A trombone player with a pager.

Q--What's the difference between a trumpet and a 747?
A--Three decibels.
Intermediate Member
Username: 57basstra

Post Number: 115
Registered: 4-2005
Posted on Friday, November 25, 2005 - 1:30 pm:   Edit Post

What do you call a building full of guitar players?

How do you know when a bass player's knocking at the door?

The rhythm slows down and speeds up.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
Intermediate Member
Username: edwin

Post Number: 106
Registered: 5-2002
Posted on Friday, November 25, 2005 - 4:28 pm:   Edit Post

How do you know when it's a singer knocking at the door?

They've lost the key and don't know when to come in!

There was an accordian player who locked his accordian in his car. He came back 20 minutes later and found his window broken and 5 more accordians in his car!

What's perfect pitch on an accordian?

When you throw it in a dumpster and it doesn't hit the sides!

What's perfect pitch on a banjo?

When you throw in the dumpster and it hits the accordian!

Advanced Member
Username: jet_powers

Post Number: 240
Registered: 2-2003
Posted on Saturday, November 26, 2005 - 9:32 am:   Edit Post

What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?

- The chainsaw has dynamic range!
Username: jahnahisti

Post Number: 20
Registered: 9-2005
Posted on Saturday, November 26, 2005 - 2:58 pm:   Edit Post

Q:What did the drummer ask the singer?

A:"Do you want this too fast or too slow?"

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Q:What do you call a beautiful woman on a keyboard player's arm?

A: A tattoo.

Q: What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?

A: Second grade.

Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony Levin)

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

Yea, and it was so.

Q. How many good bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Only one. But good luck trying to find him.

Q. What do you call a bass player with a beeper?

A. An optimist.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

A bass player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The bass player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The bass player guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The bass player got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The bass player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The bass player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a bass player, aren't you?" The bass player was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it.

Q: What's the difference between a bass player and a mutual fund?

A: One matures.

Son: "Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player."

Father: "Son, you can't have it both ways. "

Q: How can you tell if a singer's knocking on your door?

A: They don't have the key and they don't know when to come in.

...guy walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of fingerstlye guitarist onlookers.
"What is that strange tuning?!" he is asked.
"EADGBE" he replies.

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza ?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Senior Member
Username: richbass939

Post Number: 536
Registered: 11-2004
Posted on Sunday, January 08, 2006 - 10:47 am:   Edit Post

I was looking up ear plugs on the Musician's Friend website. They have 2 products:
1) Ear plugs for drummers
2) Ear plugs for musicians

It's kind of funny. I still maintain that if you have ever played with good drummers and with crappy drummers you know that drummers are definitely musicians.

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