| Author | Message | ||
| mtbazz
New Username: mtbazz Post Number: 1 Registered: 6-2006 |
Hi All, I am a long term member here, but under a different name, since I am rather embarrased to be seeking advice here ( I dont really have a strong social network in my life). I have been dating a woman for the past three months, (whom I have known casually for a year or so). Our dates have been no longer than 5-6 hours at one shot, I usually meet her somewhere....I have not been to her place (she is 39, and lives with her mother), and she has been to my place once (she also lives 80 miles away).....and no, we have not been intimate yet (although I have been to second base)... Anyway, the other night she started pestering me about her moving in with me,which caught me by surprise....she than started to say that if I won't let her move in, than she wants to get engaged...all this after 3 months of dates...When I mentioned that I would like to date someone for 6-12 months before having them move in, she just started getting pissier..... Up until this, she did seem stable, and WAS alot of fun to spend time with, but now I am not sure if she has just been playing me all along or not.... Any thoughts??? Should I avoid her like the plauge ? | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 480 Registered: 2-2006 |
RUN..Forrest RUN! | ||
| 811952
Senior Member Username: 811952 Post Number: 744 Registered: 10-2003 |
Yes, RUN! If she's not willing and/or able to honor your comfort level this early on, it's not going to get any better with time. Nothing to be embarrassed about, though. I was married to Satan for a year back in the day, and it began much as your present situation. Best of luck, because you're gonna need it! John | ||
| precarius
Member Username: precarius Post Number: 99 Registered: 11-2005 |
I agree with Olie. I have a neighbor who is going through the same thing, only he let her move in. She went psycho and had the police remove him from his own house! She ran up his credit cards and stole cash from him and he's still paying for it. Go rent Fatal Attraction and watch it over and over till this is out of your system. Mike | ||
| southpaw
Member Username: southpaw Post Number: 66 Registered: 12-2004 |
My 2 cents; It sounds like she is trying to get away from Mom's house ASAP. What's the situation at her Mom's house? Lots of tension? arguing? other sibling living there too? I believe there is some hidden baggage here. I agree, move on, there are lots of nice girls out there with less baggage. | ||
| mtbazz
New Username: mtbazz Post Number: 2 Registered: 6-2006 |
thanks guys....ugh....maybe I should just marry my alembic.... | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 481 Registered: 2-2006 |
Marry the Alembic, it always looks good sporting a "G" string.  (Message edited by olieoliver on June 26, 2006) | ||
| groovelines
Advanced Member Username: groovelines Post Number: 309 Registered: 4-2003 |
(Message edited by groovelines on June 26, 2006) | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 482 Registered: 2-2006 |
(Message edited by olieoliver on June 26, 2006) | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 483 Registered: 2-2006 |
Doesn't really matter what gauge. You can put on a 105 ga as a "G " string and it still won't cover cracks on the back.  | ||
| keith_h
Senior Member Username: keith_h Post Number: 488 Registered: 2-2005 |
I think any relationship has to progress at the pace both are comfortable with. If the parties cannot agree on the pace then the long term health of the relationship is not good. Pressure by one party or the other to reach a certain point or status is not good. Given what little I've heard I would think backing off would be a reasonable decision. It is better to part company earlier than later when there is much more baggage for everybody involved. Keith | ||
| davehouck
Moderator Username: davehouck Post Number: 4007 Registered: 5-2002 |
As others have stated, we have, and can only have, very little knowledge about the situation; interpersonal dynamics are very complex. But it does appear that this person is attached to the idea of being married; and that just doesn't seem to be a good sign. I would further suggest that you should be aware of your own desire for companionship and not let such desire cloud your judgement. Joy in life comes from within. And while sharing life with a companion can be wonderful, it is not a requirement for true happiness. My guess is that this person thinks that being married will make her happy; but being married is just a concept. She may be attached to some fantasy of the future; but true happiness is about what is happening now. It seems to me that a relationship should be about unconditional acceptance of the other person just as they are. But that's just my view. And again, I really know, and can only know, very little about the situation; I may be way off base. | ||
| mtbazz
New Username: mtbazz Post Number: 3 Registered: 6-2006 |
Not too far off base Dave...relationsho dynamics aside, What I described is pretty much the gist of the situation....While it did seem to be a good thing, now that I have been given demands and an ultimatum, and taking into account that she is 39 and living with her elderly mother, I am now wondering if she has been playing me all along..... I think I am just going to tell her I need to step back from this for a little while... Thanks everyone.... | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 1419 Registered: 7-2004 |
When I was younger, I used to believe that people should live together for at least 6 months before getting married. Now that I'm a little older (VERY loose interpretation of "little"), I've revised my position. I now believe that people should be married for at least 6 months before they live together! As a very wise lawyer I know often says: "If it doesn't feel right, don't do it" And to quote brother Paul, tbo: "there will always be another, there will always be another..." To quote me: "marriage is a LOT easier to get into than out of" And to quote numerous friends: "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!" Bill, tgo | ||
| jalevinemd
Senior Member Username: jalevinemd Post Number: 466 Registered: 12-2003 |
To quote Abbott and Costello... "Marriage is a three ring circus. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering." | ||
| 57basstra
Intermediate Member Username: 57basstra Post Number: 129 Registered: 4-2005 |
Follow your gut...not your heart or your head. | ||
| bob
Senior Member Username: bob Post Number: 667 Registered: 11-2002 |
Right - assuming you've got a good, properly centered gut, it knows way more than your heart, and certainly more than your head (which is just making things up anyway), and then of course there's that other part that it just totally mindless... If you aren't comfortable giving each other the space, understanding, and respect that you need now, it's going to be a nightmare down the road. Many people are ready to stereotype men as not being willing to commit, but from the situation you describe, it sounds like the problem is more of someone who is desperate to do so (or perhaps just desperate to get out of another situation, with a good excuse). My rule of thumb for a while now is that I would have to be pretty seriously involved with someone for a good year or so, before getting really seriously involved - you have to go through some ups and downs, and a lot of different experiences, to really get to know someone. Sounds like you already know the answer, but it's good that you felt you could find some support here. Perhaps someday you'll let us in on your true identity, but in the meantime I'm not even going to try to guess :-) -Bob | ||
| bigredbass
Senior Member Username: bigredbass Post Number: 854 Registered: 9-2002 |
I feel that the very fact you've come to ask us about this situation (under an assumed name) which has obviously made you THIS nervous should tell you your own answer: I would definitely follow the advice of the hair standing up on the back of your neck. But hey, I was never lucky enough that they lived 90 miles away! ! J o e y | ||
| 2400wattman
Intermediate Member Username: 2400wattman Post Number: 186 Registered: 11-2005 |
There are so many variables to look at. Was she married before/is that why she is living w/her mother? If not, & I don't care how this comes off, I believe there is something wrong w/somebody if they have not been married after 18-20 yrs. of adulthood and NOW they want to get married. That much time not committing/compromising w/ another human being on a deep personal level can leave one stuck in a selfish frame of mind that will be hard to break out of. If you have not been to her "place" yet there is something there that she is reluctant to show you(mom's situation etc.)and wants you to accept it after the fact of engagement or marriage and then you are F***ED! 80 miles is not a great distance to travel to see someone that you care about or even love for that matter(people commute to work in traffic longer than that drive would take every day), so after knowing her for a little more than a year and dating 3 mons. and no visit to mom's place, it's a little shakey. By no means will a relationship work cohesively when the two are not thinking as one. Being forced into that "next big step" will push you away or suck you in and give her that level of control & strip you of your manhood, depending on what kind of man you are. Then she'll tell you that the Alembic you desire to have "is just not important" and "you need another bass like you need a hole in the head!" The last one of those did come from an EX-girl friend. Not knowing more and probably not needing to, You should just cash in your chips and move on. Take care, Adam | ||
| bracheen
Senior Member Username: bracheen Post Number: 1025 Registered: 11-2003 |
She lives 80 miles away, you've never been to where she lives, I assume you've not met her mother, she's only been to your place once, she's giving ultimatums about commitment after three months, she gets pissy when you balk at that. Bro, it sounds like instead of advice you want confirmation of what you already know. Best of luck Gary. Sam | ||
| glocke
Intermediate Member Username: glocke Post Number: 130 Registered: 9-2002 |
ok, ok...youve all convinced me to ID myself.. She has been married before, for a period of 8 months...Apparently she had dated this guy for a month before marrying him.... Guys, I can't thank you all enough for the great advice Ive been given....Its hard being attracted to someone, and than realizing that it is something that should probably be walked away from, but looking ahead down the road I have a feeling that's probably what I need to do in this situation.... Thanks again...As I said before I don't have a strong social network since I am rather reclusive, so I appreciate being able to come on here and ask for help and advice and getting such speedy, honest answers....you guys are great.... | ||
| palembic
Senior Member Username: palembic Post Number: 2418 Registered: 9-2002 |
to Brother Bill TGO huhuhh ...I din't know you could buy women on E-bay????? Paul the bad one | ||
| fc_spoiler
Junior Username: fc_spoiler Post Number: 30 Registered: 5-2006 |
Hello! my 2 Eurocents: I think you're right and wrong... You're right about that you should probably walk away. Maybe the woman has got issues that can be solved by the right person. I'ts up to you to determine weather you are or want to be that person, it's you're life and if you choose for the woman it will be affected severely (good or bad) I think that at least 6-12 months of dating before such a big step is very reasonable and having read all the advice above I see I don't stand alone on that. Which brings me to what I think you're wrong about: Seen the amount of posts here I think you underestimate you're social network! Cheers! and good luck! F.C. | ||
| 811952
Senior Member Username: 811952 Post Number: 745 Registered: 10-2003 |
Gregory, Best of luck. I think Sam and Dave (HAD to type that!) hit the nail(s) on the head. John (Message edited by 811952 on June 27, 2006) | ||
| keavin
Senior Member Username: keavin Post Number: 864 Registered: 12-2002 |
Dude!!! sounds like she wants to get pounded long term(layed/married/control you),,,you maid it to 2nd base already but little did you realize she had a home run from that hit,i don't how good you can suck Tittie's but you opened up a can of worms, i say just play your Alembic cause she's just another Groupee looking for a good Bass player! | ||
| glocke
Intermediate Member Username: glocke Post Number: 131 Registered: 9-2002 |
lol...thanks keavin....glad to see there is a general consenus here.... ugh...freaking women....when they are not trying to control you they are trying to drive you insane.... guess Ill just go back to smokin weed and jammin... | ||
| keavin
Senior Member Username: keavin Post Number: 865 Registered: 12-2002 |
Yeah, Fire up a good joint & plug up that alembic!....but i will say this, 'a good Woman is hard to find'. so never marrie a groupie | ||
| paulman
Junior Username: paulman Post Number: 44 Registered: 2-2005 |
Studies have proven that the leading cause of divorce is marriage. I just got out of one of these myself, I decided that I got off easy. Things like this are ok to talk about, but once they start to feel like they are forced on you it's time to say thanks, and move on. Just my $.02 . Go with the gut. | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 486 Registered: 2-2006 |
WOW, I feel pretty fortunate. I would not want to be a single person (male or female) in this day and age of the “what’s in it for me” attitude. I agree with post above that she is probably looking for a way out of “momma’s” house and feels that you’re the ticket. This November I will be celebrating my 27th wedding anniversary (to the same woman). Got married at the age of 17 had my first daughter less than a year. I wouldn’t know what its like to be single looking for a mate and darn glad too. I’ll “pass” on the weed but all in for the jammin’, anytime anywhere. Good luck Gregg. | ||
| glocke
Intermediate Member Username: glocke Post Number: 132 Registered: 9-2002 |
Congratulations on the upcoming anniversery Olie... Your right...You dont want to be dating in this day and age...It is pretty darn scary.... I am 38, and have only recently realized that I do not want to live on my own any more, but at the same time I also realize that living alone is better than the alternative of moving in/getting married to someone that may have ulterior motives...I have seen too many of my friends go through some pretty ugly episodes like some that described further up in the thread... | ||
| glocke
Intermediate Member Username: glocke Post Number: 133 Registered: 9-2002 |
Congratulations on the upcoming anniversery Olie... Your right...You dont want to be dating in this day and age...It is pretty darn scary.... I am 38, and have only recently realized that I do not want to live on my own any more, but at the same time I also realize that living alone is better than the alternative of moving in/getting married to someone that may have ulterior motives...I have seen too many of my friends go through some pretty ugly episodes like some that are described further up in the thread... | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 1421 Registered: 7-2004 |
Just wondering - how soon until she turns 40? That could be the cause of the sudden rush to commit. Those milestone B-days can wreak havoc on some people. (Personally, I never turned 40. I spent a year celebrating the 1st anniversary of my 39th, then went straight to 41) Bill, tgo | ||
| glocke
Intermediate Member Username: glocke Post Number: 134 Registered: 9-2002 |
second week of november she turns 40....I am sure thats a large part of it... | ||
| paulman
Junior Username: paulman Post Number: 45 Registered: 2-2005 |
Yes being older it's harder to date in this day and age. I personally am much more selective on whom i will pursue. Good luck to "mtbazz" in his desicion whichever it may be. He does have a strong community here though. | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 1422 Registered: 7-2004 |
Scorpio woman? RUN! Bill, tgo | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 488 Registered: 2-2006 |
Bill!? My wife's a Scorpio. If you're trying to imply that being a Scorpio she will be moody, mean spirited, cold hearted self absorbed and utterly materialistic, I can with out a doubt verify that you have HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 489 Registered: 2-2006 |
Just Kidding baby! | ||
| spliffy
Member Username: spliffy Post Number: 84 Registered: 3-2003 |
I think you need to talk with her. If she will not listen to your concerns and thoughts then that would definitely be a sign to step away, because in any successful relationship you have to listen and and respect someones views. Give and Take, give and take. Ask her why the sudden rush, how does she feel about you etc etc. Also ask yourself if this is someone you could see yourself with in the long run. If it is then consider having her move in. Long distance relationships are hard and seldom work... I know. Of course it sounds like you do not trust her, in which case that is something you will never do and is grounds for a bad relationship. fc spoiler is correct too about your social network - you have a bunch of us here to help. Al | ||
| lidon2001
Intermediate Member Username: lidon2001 Post Number: 179 Registered: 4-2005 |
My gut just leads me to pizza and Coca-Cola... Good luck to all! T | ||
| 2400wattman
Intermediate Member Username: 2400wattman Post Number: 188 Registered: 11-2005 |
thin or thick crust? | ||
| lbpesq
Senior Member Username: lbpesq Post Number: 1423 Registered: 7-2004 |
O.K. Let's bring this full circle. Hop on your motorcycle, head on home, and have a beer. Bill, tgo | ||
| richbass939
Senior Member Username: richbass939 Post Number: 661 Registered: 11-2004 |
Gregory, I've thought a lot about this today. I came to much the same conclusion as Mr. Spliffy. If you didn't think that the woman had keeper potential you probably wouldn't have brought up the subject. You don't have anything to lose by asking a few direct questions. Maybe she really cares about you but is freaked about something. Maybe her home situation (or some other part of her life) is something she thinks would drive you away. Both of you may be operating on some assuptions about the other that might not be true. The only way to find out is to bring it up. If she refuses to talk then you have your answer. There are definitely some things you described that bring up some red flags. You have some good reasons to doubt whether it would work between you two. But, if you genuinely care about her you owe it to yourself to attempt to get a real answer rather than going on an assumption. I've done a rough tally of the posts here and I know I'm in the minority. Yes, I got lucky and found someone with whom I fit very well. We just had our 18th anniversary and things are very good. I know I'm not any better than anyone else. I just had the good fortune to find the right one the first time. Good luck to you, Gregory, in finding the right answer to your questions and in making the right decision. Rich | ||
| lidon2001
Intermediate Member Username: lidon2001 Post Number: 180 Registered: 4-2005 |
I agree with Rich. And thin, unless I'm in Chicago. Tom | ||
| bassman10096
Senior Member Username: bassman10096 Post Number: 924 Registered: 7-2003 |
Hope this all turns out the way you want it. I suspect your instincts and the instincts of (looks like near a couple dozen...) your Alembuddies are correct. It's harder to have to make a decision like this when you've decided you don't want to be alone. And don't underestimate the accomodations, adjustments and just plain putting up with sh*t being in a GOOD, commited relationship will require. But I think those here who've been in a successful relationship might agree: In a good relationship the concessions you have to make should make sense to you and be within reach of your vision of what you want for yourself and what you can get onboard for. Good luck. There's others out there who're much closer to what would make you happy. Good luck (and be careful out there.). Bill | ||
| keavin
Senior Member Username: keavin Post Number: 867 Registered: 12-2002 |
He maid it to 2nd Base.....which means he sucks a mean Tit!.....................Slide on into Home plate!..............but remember Never Marry a Groupie! | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 492 Registered: 2-2006 |
I don't know Keavin, has anybody ever seen, Play Misty For Me, or Fatal Attraction! One night of false heaven is not worth months of real hell! | ||
| 2400wattman
Intermediate Member Username: 2400wattman Post Number: 190 Registered: 11-2005 |
Amen to that! | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 494 Registered: 2-2006 |
oops (Message edited by olieoliver on June 28, 2006) | ||
| olieoliver
Senior Member Username: olieoliver Post Number: 495 Registered: 2-2006 |
Hey, Adam I don't know how close knit the LA music scene is but on a long shot, you don't happen to know this cat do you http://www.davidallenbaker.com/ We played in our first band together in the 70's. | ||
| flaxattack
Senior Member Username: flaxattack Post Number: 1166 Registered: 4-2004 |
greg i'm 54 and and just about to spend my 1st anniversary with my partner annie.Never lived with anyone, never let anyone get close enough for many numerous f'd up reasons, i pretty much resigned myself that i was going to spend my life without someone to come home to if you know what i mean. we knew each other one and off for about 8 yrs and she lived 150 miles away. seemed that everytime i was getting ready to move- we found each other. sweet,easy going, caring you name it. when i was getting ready to move here to ct, i had been unable to find her and let her know where i was going,she was living in md. low and behold, 3 days before the move, i get an email- hey remember me... how did you find me? i asked- simple she said, i did a google for your name and yes belive it, its true, she found my name here at the alembic website and all these postings... we got together - she came up here a couple of times, we talked about moving in together- this from a convinced i am going to be a bachelor guy and i was real hesitant- so fast- why now?- well i had to go to vegas/alembic last august and asked her to stay and tend the critters. when i came back she was moved in. at first i was ticked, but when she said- look i love you, i made a mistake and if this doesnt work out- just say the word and i will leave no questions asked- there was no pressure and i put my cards on the table. its not perfect- but going through some s--t lately has made me realize how blessed i am. your case is different and i realize you would like to be with someone- make it for the right reasons. today i am happy knowing i have a special person, i am an unofficial step dad-and i got a great dog out it....and knowing that someone cares and listens and helps me keep grounded. your only 38-good things happen when you least expect it and someone once told me- when you are not looking for it- it will come.... hang in there brother alembician... something's not quite ringing true here. women who are hot to trot to get married are usually in love with the idea and not the man. you might wnat to move on and you might just want to sit down and talk to her. IF you think this is worth pursuing..... i hope this helped you jeff | ||
| glocke
Intermediate Member Username: glocke Post Number: 135 Registered: 9-2002 |
wow...50 replies...thanks guys, there was some really good advice given to me... I pretty much just told her that since her time line for how she would like things to progress is different than mine, that maybe we should just take a step back....which basically means take a break from each other for a week or so....She seemed agreeable to that, but also mentioned that I was overreacting to what she had been saying....which I was not..She clearly was asking to move in sooner rather than later, and than even had the nerve to say if that won't happen, than she wants some type of deadline to get engaged by (such as august)....ugh.... I figure if its something that is genuine, than things will not have changed much after taking time off....if it is something that is not genuine, than she will move onto some other guy and start working him....In any case, Im really not looking to have someone move in after 3 months....good grief.... Flax....your story is similar to mine...I havent let someone get that close to me for several f'd reasons of my own....Partly is I am somwwhat resistant to the idea of getting tied down, part of it is also how I see how relationships/marriages have ended up for some of my relatives/peers... | ||
| spliffy
Member Username: spliffy Post Number: 89 Registered: 3-2003 |
cold showers for Glocke.... : ) Seriously though you sound like you have the situation under control- good for you. Keep us posted. Al | ||
| flaxattack
Senior Member Username: flaxattack Post Number: 1168 Registered: 4-2004 |
similar reason amongst many others here glocke as brent said in blow away from dozin at the knick you gotta open up your heart and let love in.... ps- best blow away ever imho |
