Post Number: 874
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 7:05 am: |
The Diary of a Snow Shoveler
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Post Number: 615
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 7:16 am: |
Post Number: 167
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 9:56 am: |
Hilarious Rami! I know exactly how he feels about the snowplow (I grew up in Syracuse).
Post Number: 875
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 10:00 am: |
I think we can ALL relate to that!
Post Number: 1019
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 10:08 am: |
That's pretty funny, Rami.
I came in ten minutes ago from about three hours of snow removal in a borrowed skid-steer. It has warmed up to almost zero degrees. My fingers are movable enough to type a little bit.
Ahhhh. Living in the cold climes. I love it.
Post Number: 3449
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 10:25 am: |
Thanks for the laugh, Rami. Reminds me why I'm so happy to be from N.Y. . . . with "from" being the operative word! hehehehe
Bill, (in California for 35 years) tgo
Post Number: 1138
|Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2008 - 1:27 pm: |
Where's the cookie recipe?
It's a tradition! C'mon.
Post Number: 360
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 4:22 am: |
Great post. I also live in Montréal so I know exactly what you mean.
Thanks for the laugh.
Post Number: 660
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 6:00 am: |
I hate snow, the cold, the winter, the short daylght hours, scraping ice of the car, the salt on the roads that rots vehicles..sorry but all that romance about white christmas and snow does my head in. Give me hot days where I can go out on my Firebade and warm summer nights where you can go out in just jeans and a shirt.
Leave cold in the arctic and antartic.
Post Number: 876
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 11:14 am: |
I hope we don't have the kind of winter we had last year, but so far it's not looking too good.
A major dump (or 2 or 3....) every week can make anyone lose it. Canadian winters are among the worst!!!
Post Number: 515
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 3:00 pm: |
Post Number: 1140
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 3:34 pm: |
I'm trying to figure out how to spend winters (Nov-Jan) in Australia.
Where's my global warming dividend?
Post Number: 147
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 6:17 pm: |
I read this an hour ago and I'm still laughing.Thanks Rami :o)
Post Number: 254
|Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 - 8:15 pm: |
Interesting how that has changed in the last 16 years of floating around the interwebs.
Post Number: 877
|Posted on Monday, December 29, 2008 - 7:03 am: |
It was sent to me by my brother-in-law. I'm sure it's been around a long time. I'd be curious to read the original version.